Tomatoes are Irrelevent
by Dark Eco Angel
Summary: EDITED since it's first appearance in 2008 as a gift for the wonderful Finding-Emo. Sig tries to join the Tutle Club, Torn shows his crazy side and Vin really loves tomatoes. A lot.


**This fic was first published on 02-25-08 and is the first to be edited =D enjoy the revised version guys, I'm still quite proud of this one. **

**Hello people of the world! This fic is dedicated to Finding-Emo and the plot is her own demand!**

**Inspiration taken from The Master of Disguise and I don't know what ... I own nothing and enjoy!**

**Tomatoes Are Irrelevant**

Sig was happy; today he would join the turtle club!

He happily skipped towards the secret place in New Haven. When he got there he donned a fake shell and crawled in like a perfect imitation of a turtle, painted greeny-brown and everything like a green sea turtle.

He padded in only to be stepped on.

'Am I not turtley enough to join the turtle club?' He asked mournfully.

He was thrown out by some random well-dressed guy.

Torn sat in the Naughty Ottsel drinking a Red-Eye.

Ah how he loved Red-Eye; so bubbly and kicky.

'Hehe.'

Oh. My. God. DID TORN JUST GIGGLE? This stuff does wonders for your sanity ... And losing it.

Jak walked in and asked Tess for a cool refreshing water. Torn snorted.

'What's your problem Moldy-Locks?' Jak shot at him.

'Hehehe, w-water! Hehehehe' Torn managed to say.

'It's good for you and won't give you a stitch or go to your head like it has done to you!' Jak started to heat up.

'Wanna fight, Cecil? Hehehe!'

Jak gave Torn a look of pure curiosity and accepted the challenge.

Sig had decided that maybe the Turtle costume was too much, mayhaps he should wear a suit like the man that chucked him out? Yes, that was what he should do.

But the washing basket strapped to his back was probably a big no-no.

He walked upright into the reception area of the club and requested to join. The same man from before tore off the basket and literally kicked him out with some form of martial arts.

Jak walked along side a bouncy Torn outside, not knowing what sort of fight to expect.

'Do ya see that red head over there? Huh? Huh? Huh? That's my girlfriend!' Torn jumped up and down pointing in the distance at Ashelin who looked to be chatting up some guy half her age. Torn didn't notice this.

'You've been on three dates since Kras City, one of which you drank Red-Eye all through, stuffed a tremendous amount of caviar down your shirt and spilled spaghetti sauce over your head and started making out with a brown broom, gasping: "Oh Torn, you're the big bad!"'

Torn laughed at the memory, not knowing that Ashelin would later dump him when he gets to "Secret 7th Base" with the broom and does things only to be seen in Jak's nightmares.

Jak was beginning to understand why Torn never drank his favourite drink during the war and races and was starting to think that maybe he shouldn't drink it around Ashelin. Or ever.

'Hehehehehehehehehehe.'

Yep. NEVER should this drink be presented to cool, calm and collected Torn.

'Calm down a minute Torn!'

Torn responded by throwing an egg at Jak.

Vin looked lovingly at a tomato. Oh how he loved the soft curve of a tomato. Almost flesh like and juicy to bite.

Ahhhhhhh a refreshing tomato. Nothing like it to brighten your day. Or make it. But tomatoes are irrelevant to the plot, are they not?

Vin doesn't care. A tomato a day keeps the blues at bay! He eats 5 a day yet the blues still creep up on him.

Oh how he wished that he could never stop eating them, tomatoes. The life blood of cowardly genius.

But let's get back to the story. After all, Tomatoes are irrelevant.

Sig was at his third attempt at joining the Turtle Club; time for a new approach.

He strode in looking all manly and important. 'Who the hell do I have to sleep with to get in the club?' He foolishly demanded.

A shy looking boy with a perm wiggled his fingers at him hopefully.

As did an old lady with three sets of fake eye lashes on.

Time to re-think his strategies.

Jak had been staring opened mouthed as Torn had been running laps around the port for a few minutes now.

On the tenth lap Torn stopped and showed no signs of being tired, in fact it seemed to give him a boost, if possible.

'So, when do we fight? You do see what's happening here, you have all this energy but tomorrow you won't get out of bed 'till late and the troops won't get commanded and Ashelin won't get some "Closet Time" and I won't get my pay check! Which means that Keira won't get any "Closet Time" which means I'll take it out on Dax, which means Tess won't get any "Closet Time" and it just isn't looking like a bright day tomorrow ... So give me the bottle and let's go to Onin for some meditation.' Jak tried to reason in a way that would appeal to Torn.

'Nya!' Torn stuck his tongue out and grabbed a gun.

'Oh Mar.' Jak uttered and started to run as Torn shot at him with... frozen peas?

Torn laughed strangely.

Jak ran from the madness of the frozen peas as madly as Torn ran after him.

Sig pondered a way to join the marvellous club. Oh how he wished he knew why a club that had nothing to do with turtles was named so. But alas, it seemed he would never get in.

Wait a second! That's it! He would disguise himself as someone important and demand entry. Wait on a tic! He was important! King of Spargus is a heavy title! How could he have forgotten? Silly man.

He donned his crown and strolled in nonchalantly. Cool as a cucumber. Ew, I hate cucumber.

Some random gold digger eyed him off. Sig liked the look of her. Actually he liked the look of any leggy babe who eyed him off.

'Heya, handsome, lookin' for some fun?' She smiled in a way Sig had never seen, well, as far as he had ever told anyone.

'Why hello there Cherry Pie... Muffin... Red Hot Chile Pepper.' She was perfect. Pearly white skin, long pink hair, mini skirt, fish nets and a huge amount of cleavage.

Hang on! A whore!

Sig ran screaming from the place, he didn't feel like going broke in one night.

He was running out of ideas, he couldn't dress turtley, he couldn't get in by sleeping with someone and he couldn't look important and kingly.

Bloody club.

Ashelin noted Torn's outburst and made a note to the city.

'ATTENTION ALL CIVILIANS! TORN IS ON A RED-EYE RAMPAGE. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!'

Jak and Torn heard this.

'I'd better make a fort.' Jak decided.

'Way ahead of ya big guy!' Torn yelled and started piling pillows around the corner of the gun course. Much to Jak's confusion.

Torn shut the last pillow around himself and Jak thought the danger was over, 'till he got some Red-Eye spilled over him. Torn had filled the mini shower things that go off when there's a fire with Red-Eye and set them off.

He burst out of the pillows and performed some ballet around the room with his mouth open to catch the liquid.

Jak got a water bottle and squirted the hyper tattoo face.

Torn sobered up.

'Ya see what I mean, water is good for you' Jak told Torn.

Torn looked at him furiously and went back to being cold and quiet. The Torn we all know and love.

When Torn left, Jak had a random moment: 'Here we go loopty loop!' And with that he flipped into the pillows.

Then Vin walked in and threw a tomato at him.

Vin gasped at the sight of Jak's tomato covered face and started crying about defying the purity of the tomato.

**My favorite 12 yr old fishy just died! Me sad :(**

**Ok, I'll mourn her later, hope you liked it F-E! I added Vin in just for the hell of it since it was your original idea and stuff.**

**Review people, I look forward to reading them!**


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